I have always had an idea of where I wanted to go with my life. Not really goals or defined steps but a general idea of what I wanted and a dedication to trusting the Universe to take me there. I am not a planner but it works for me.
When I was younger I knew I wanted to teach, to get married and to have children. That's exactly what happened although the route to get there was not one I could ever have planned. Most of my life has been that way. Not necessarily the way I would have planned it but mostly perfectly interesting and amazing.
I've had a lot of different jobs in my life that were not in the plan but I loved most of them and I learned something from all of them that I took to the next job. I usually had some idea of what I wanted to do next, beyond the job I had at the time and sometimes I was pleasantly surprised by a job offer that turned out to be just perfect for me. The one thing that never worked . . . me looking for a job. Somehow, when I was unhappy and went looking for jobs outside the company I worked for, it never worked out. I learned to just trust that it would all work out and it always did, much better than I could have planned.
I was raised to want more, to learn and grow and to move up in your position. When I was a teacher, I wanted to be an assistant director. When I was the assistant director, I wanted to be the director. And so on, and so on, and so on. I have worked for the same company for almost 30 years, all of my adult life. I have been in my current position for 14 years. The next step up is a VP position which I have been interested in before and have even applied for twice in the last 7 years. I'm not really interested in that position anymore and thankful someone else got the job instead of me.
That's the problem. I have no goals for my career any more.
I never write about my job here. It's something I don't believe in doing. But I'm not really writing about my company or my job in this post. It's more about where I am in my life right now. There are a lot of people that I work with that read this blog and this is in no way related to our company. It's ALL about me. :)
Part of it, I think, is related to turning 50. I am looking back at my life and wondering where it went. I feel young and I feel like I have lots of opportunity ahead of me. But the fact is . . . it's hard to start over at 50. And I'm locked in to a certain salary in that I have expenses and obligations and no spouse to support me. And for the first time in my life, I don't know what I want to do. Even if I were to leave my company and go to a whole new industry or start my own business, what would I want to do? I can't think of anything I would want to do as a full time job. It's kind of scary. Something is missing.
I am not saying I'm too old to start over. My mom was almost 60 when she started her own business. Age has nothing to do with it. You need a dream and a passion. Where did my dreams and my passion go?
Things are changing right now. But I'm a survivor. The thing is . . . I don't want to just survive. I want my life and my job to mean something. I'm passionate about the people I work with and our customers but I'm not sure anymore if the position I'm in is where I need to be.
I am reminding myself that the Universe will take me in the direction I need to go . . . that things happen for a reason . . . that I need to trust that things are moving forward and will be better. I am remembering and thankful that my family is safe and healthy, that I have a home, that there is much suffering in Japan, in the Middle East and so many other places and my frustrations are insignificant and temporary.
Is this a natural occurrence at a milestone birthday? I don't remember doing it at 30 or at 40. What are your experiences? What changes did you make? Are you happier?
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2 comments:
For everything there is a season.... I am sure that soon something will spark your interest and it may not be work related. Maybe it will be work on your home or cooking -- something creative. Maybe it will be community service -- giving back. Maybe it WILL be your job - a new project or a new opportunity. I am 10 years older than you. Right now, I find myself living in the future. I am looking forward to retirement. My husband and I have chosen to relocate then and I will go back to school and leisurely take some courses that will bring me joy (read NOT Advanced Accounting :-)). I plan to be more involved in church and in community. I can join a book group!! I, like you, love my job and the people I work with and would have a hard time giving that up. I do hear what you're saying about being in the same position for many years. That has happened to me also; but yesterday was so good - I learned a couple of new things and was able to apply them to projects and felt like I was using my brain!! Hang in there - the spark will come!
Your frustrations aren't insignificant. They are significant to you. If money, time, etc. were not an issue, what would you like to do? Maybe going to a career counselor would help. I'm in a similar situation trying to figure things out.
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