Sunday, June 1, 2008

7 Years

On Tuesday, it will be 7 years since my husband, Gary, died. I can't believe it has been 7 years. So much has happened since June 3rd, 2001 but it still feels like yesterday and I still get that "feeling" in the pit of my stomach when I allow myself to think about it.

When will that go away?

My mother-in-law said once that I was young, I would move on and find someone else. She would never get her son back.

At the time, even though it had only been a few months, I knew better than to get into a grieving match with her. No parent should ever have a child die. But I wondered then if I would really . . . move on, that is.

I think I have moved on as much as I can. But I think about him every day. He was my best friend and the father of my children. We talk about him.

I have not found someone else. I have hope that I will. I truly want to find someone. I want to get married again. I liked it. But I like being single too.

When will I be able to be happy as June approaches? I keep thinking that time will pass and it will lessen. It will soon be 7 years. Yet today is June 1st and I am dreading Tuesday. My stomach hurts. I am very glad I will be extremely busy at work that day. I am sad that his parents and brother and other family members will have to be reminded he is not with us. I wonder if my children remember even though I know they do.

Maybe it will never go away. Maybe I shouldn't expect it to go away. Secretly, I am a little fearful of the day that June 3rd comes and I don't notice. That still seems a long way away.

2 comments:

Wanda said...

No words ~~ just a heart full of emotions at your beautiful post and your beautiful memories.

Love and Hugs
Wanda

Ruth D~ said...

Bittersweet. Love is like that. Better to have the pain, than to never have had the pleasure. I understand your mother in law's pain . . . but yet, she diminishes your feelings. This is the June melancholy that you need to allow your self to feel. For as long as forever, probably. So sorry.